watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
(True)
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!