I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman