Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
What the hell happened here.