I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
This makes total sense…