ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?