All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
this is me
me working on my assignments ^-^
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭