When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Pot warmers of the day.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Sorry. Not sorry
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.