*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️