I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough