(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Gemma Correll
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
not to brag, but mine was free
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Lol.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.