*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh