customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
You can’t rush stupid.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.