I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I don’t get marriage
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death