Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I beg your pardon?
is this how new cars are made??
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.