I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My brain is a bad influence on me
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same