My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!