Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.