“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.