Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town