It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
You Might Also Like
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You are not alone 💚
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness