oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.