Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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yeah 😭
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.