I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I am, perchance
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?