Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️