I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
This kinda thing happens to me often
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.