HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
He-man has a Masters degree
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Just me and my debit card against the world
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair