No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
english majors be like furthermore
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars