Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Holy shit he’s back
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.