i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role