there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat