The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Said the murderer.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.