[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”