Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet