Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.