geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.