Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
This is my bus stop.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children