This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”