I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.