I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
rapatouille
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you