Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
The smoothest fall of all time