LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.