*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
You Might Also Like
Stick it to the man
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK