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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.