wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“Wait, let me explain..”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?