Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys