You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
You Might Also Like
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?