If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu