Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
You Might Also Like
¯_(ツ)_/¯
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.