“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.