girls literally only want one thing..
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.